Do you find that you make the same resolutions year after year without much progress? This is all too common and a discouraging way to start off a new year! Try these best practice strategies to increase the likelihood that you will reach the goals you set for yourself and become the best version of “you.”

Make your goals as specific, measurable, and realistic as possible.
Instead of saying – “I’m going to eat healthier this year” – identify exactly what, when, and how you plan to change your behavior. For example, a better goal might be: “I will eat salad three times per week for lunch for 1 month.” Then, you can re-evaluate and adjust your goals as needed.

Identify what motivates you.
What is the why behind your goal? Dig deep to find out what is true and unique for you even if it’s not glamorous. I once had a mentor who claimed her motivation to live a healthy life was fear that her husband would remarry and another women would spend her hard earned money! What is your unique motivator? Connect with this. Visualize how meeting your goals will impact what motivates you, especially when you find yourself losing steam.

Know your barriers and make plans for overcoming the obstacles that stand in your way.
You likely already know what stands in the way of your success. Make a list of what barriers you anticipate limiting your progress and prepare in advance specifically how you will prevent these barriers and/or address them when they arise.

Don’t set it and forget it!
Regularly assess the progress you’ve made towards reaching your goals (or lack thereof) and make adjustments as needing using the suggestions provided in Tip #1. It’s helpful to schedule check-ins in advance.

Practice self-compassion.
Carl Rogers famously said, “The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change.” Sometimes it’s the negative self-talk that stands in our way more than anything else! Take a deep breath, acknowledge how hard it is to change well-worn patterns of behavior, know you are not alone in your struggle, and cut yourself some slack. Ironically, you may find that this change in attitude frees you up to actually move in a positive direction towards your goal!

Reach out to KKJ if you’d like professional support in reaching your goals – we are here to help.

LESSON 1: Where You Are Now Is Exactly Where You Should Be

Where you are now is exactly where you should be. Start living your best life NOW: not tomorrow, not after you lose 15 pounds. Not when you get that promotion you’ve been waiting on, not after you get your house organized. Now.

Quoting Lady Gaga, an interviewee from earlier in the week, Oprah spoke about radically accepting exactly who you are (wherever you are) right now on your wellness journey, emphasizing that we already have the capacity to live our best lives within us now.

Underlying this assumption is that the real work to live our best lives is in our ability to stay present in the moment when things are not perfect (and they never are). I love this lesson, as it reminds me of one my all-time favorite quotes by my favorite Psychologist Carl Rogers:

“The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change.”

We will never experience our best selves by rejecting ourselves in the moment and waiting on some artificial future version of ourselves to arrive. Are you able to radically accept yourself today, as is?

LESSON 2: Stay in your own lane and in your own life flow.
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Stay in your own lane and in your own life flow. Stay out of the flow of others’ lives. Oprah stressed throughout the day the importance of living a life that feels internally true. Some call this integrity: does your inner experience align with your outer behavior? Her message: we can’t be our best selves when we are striving to please others or acting as means to avoid guilt/shame. Rather, we must act out of our own truth and our own hearts at all times. She shared her struggle to people-please, and how, for so many years, shame and others’ perceptions drove her unsuccessful weight loss attempts and resulted in an unauthentic life of disconnection, sadness, and unhealthy behaviors.

This supports psychological research demonstrating that we are happier, healthier, and more productive when we develop an internal source of evaluation rather than look to external sources of evaluation.

Oprah connected this to living with intention and asked us to consider the energy that is behind all of our actions. For example, she believes that giving from a place of true kindness and authentic desire results in a different energy and outcome than giving from a place of guilt or shame. This certainly plays out in relationships when people find themselves doing things for others from a place of shame or guilt (often self-imposed) rather than kindness and authentic desire and then later feeling pangs of resentment. The “help” often ends up not being helpful for the giver or the receiver. Or, when help is given with the hope/expectation of something in return. Oprah would say the intention/energy behind the giving is what matters and will determine the outcome of the action.

World renowned speaker, Byron Katie, also stresses this message in her teaching; there are only three types of business in the world: my business, your business, and God’s business - believing that “deciding what is right for me” is our only business and ultimately the key to mental well being and feeling connected. She goes as far to say that if you ever feel lonely or disconnected ask, “whose business am I in?” Seems too simple – but so often we believe we know what’s best for other people (especially those we are close to) or we feel constrained by needing other people to stop doing this or that for us to be okay when in reality the only business we have any control over is our own: what is right for me.

LESSON 3: Hard work matters

Hard work matters. Oprah modeled this throughout the day as she clearly worked hard to bring her vision for this workshop to reality as she gave us 100% of herself throughout the day. And somehow her team was able to distribute 15,000 Panera box lunches!

She shared the motto she lives by with the audience: “luck is when opportunity meets preparation” and discussed how hard she has had to work for much of what she has attained throughout her life.

She also shared how much she dislikes exercising and discussed how she has to motivate herself to do it anyway, every day, and how even on tour she wakes up and goes to the gym in the mornings.

Often the hard work is more psychological than physical.

Oprah spoke of the time she vulnerably forgave her mother as she was dying and released herself from the burden of resentment towards her mom for not being what she needed her to be. Oprah shared her realization that if her mother had given her more of what she thought she wanted and needed throughout her life, she never would have evolved into the Oprah she is today – crediting much of her strength, compassion and overall personality to the very challenges she faced growing up. She shared how comforting her mother was on her deathbed and forgiving her was one of the hardest and most vulnerable things she has ever done; she flew back and forth to see her mother four times in one week as she worked up the courage to say what she needed to say. I forgive you. Oprah described courage: “the true meaning of courage is to be afraid – and then, with your knees knocking and your heart racing, take the leap anyway.”

We were challenged to consider what psychological work we had to do. What had we not let go from the past, who had we not forgiven, and what firmly held beliefs about life and the world were keeping us down?

What is your hard work to be done?

LESSON 4: Movement can be healing

The evidence is clear – exercise is good for you. Exercise reduces the risk of heart disease, diabetes, obesity, and is associated with higher life expectancy. But, what can it do for our psychological well being?

Julianne Hough and her team joined Oprah’s tour to lead all 15,000 participants in her new mind-body-spirt dance/exercise movement, KINRGY (https://kinrgy.com/about). It was truly invigorating. First, we moved in self-expressed dance allowing our bodies to lead us. It felt incredibly freeing to just let go of control in this way and let our bodies take charge. Then, we were guided in a visualization exercise where we physically moved as if we were hauling the dirt from our past that was holding us back over our shoulders – releasing us from the burden of the negative energy from the past that we were still carrying with us. I couldn’t believe how much lighter I felt after physically engaging in the process of removing my stuck energy - many in the audience were unexpectedly moved to tears.

There is so much research suggesting that movement can support therapeutic work, especially when working with trauma that that can be stored in the body through our neurological system. Our bodies seem to hold onto and “remember” past traumatic experiences and movement can help to release this.

We also know that exercise alone releases brain chemicals such as endorphins that just make us feel better. Some studies have found exercise to be as effective as anti-depressants in treating some types of depressive disorders.

The mind-body connection is undeniable and participating in the movement therapy led by Julianne Hough definitely sparked my interest in KINRGY and how it could be combined with talk therapy to promote healing and wellness.

Do you incorporate body movement into your self-care routine? 

CONCLUSION

Overall, the Oprah 2020 Vision tour was an inspiring and unforgettable experience. I hope to keep the inspiration going by continuing to listen to Oprah’s Super Soul Podcast each week. We all need to be inspired and feel connected to something greater than ourselves – now more than ever. 

Where do you find inspiration, connection, community? Maybe this is a part of a yourself that needs some attention. I truly believe we are better humans and better able to serve others when we ourselves feel full and cared for. Make time this week to be inspired! 

The emotional impacts of divorce are undeniable. Individuals going through the
divorce process report high levels of stress and experience consuming emotions
such as guilt, sadness, fear, hopelessness, and confusion. The widely used
Holmes-Rahe Stress Inventory ranks divorce as the second most stressful life
occurrence - second only to the death of a spouse. Divorce inherently involves
many life transitions. Primarily, there is the loss of a significant relationship.
Secondarily, the redefining of other important relationships with family, children,
community, and self. Even when divorce results in personal growth and greater
life fulfillment (as it often does), the process of getting there is undoubtedly
arduous and stressful.

Stressful life events impact not just our emotional selves, but our whole selves -
mind, body, and spirit. With a growing understanding and appreciation of the
mind-body connection, research has explored the physical impacts of stress on
the body. Findings to date suggest that chronic stress is more damaging to our
physical and psychological selves than acute stress, or a one-time stressful
event (e.g. witnessing a crime). Divorce is not a one-time event. It often involves
a series of events, conversations, disputes, and arrangements that create an
experience of persistent stress. The repetitive nature of chronic stress, as
opposed to acute stress, taxes the body’s neurological response system and is
associated with illness.

Chronic stress is a widely known risk factor for heart disease - the number one
cause of death in the United States. A recent study by Duke University provides
more evidence of this and identifies a direct association between divorce and the
probability of experiencing a heart attack. In a sample of over 15,000 evermarried
adults, women who had experienced a single divorce were 24% more
likely to experience a heart attack when compared to married women who had
never been divorced. With two or more divorces, women were 77% more likely to
experience a heart attack. Men had a 30% higher heart attack risk after two or
more divorces. Furthermore, the longitudinal nature of the study showed that the
increased risk of heart attack persisted long after divorces were finalized and
even after remarriage among women.

While heart disease is the number one cause of death among both men and
women - the onset of the disease traditionally occurs later for women. As a
result, research suggests that women are less likely to receive important heartrelated
education during healthcare visits and are less likely to be referred for
heart-related screenings and treatments when compared to their male
counterparts. Therefore, it may be especially important for women who are
divorced to inform their doctors of this risk factor and advocate for heart-related
care.

At first, this news may feel discouraging, especially for women who are divorced.
However, knowledge is power. While the experiencing of major life stressors,
such as divorce, may render one more susceptible to heart attacks, heart
disease itself is still largely considered to be preventable with diet, exercise,
preventative screenings/treatments, and stress management. In addition to
utilizing traditional coping skills for stress management, such as exercise,
meditation, and social support, it can also be helpful to use evidenced-based
problem solving techniques when stressful obstacles arise, such as
brainstorming, decision balancing, and active communication.

These tools may be most productive when implemented collaboratively with a
therapist who specializes in divorce. Additionally, co-parenting workshops offer
psychoeducation and support without an extensive time commitment and can
provide a good foundation for approaching problems in a more productive way.
Finally, co-parenting therapy or family therapy can help ease the stress
associated with childrearing during and post divorce by incorporating a neutral
professional into the decision making processes and providing additional
emotional and logistical support.

With greater awareness, steps can be taken to control stress and mitigate the
damaging effects of divorce - making more space for the positive transformation
that often emerges from our most difficult life experiences.