Boundary Setting in Toxic Parental and Romantic Partnerships

Boundaries are essential for healthy relationships. They help us define where we end and others begin, protecting our emotional, physical, and psychological well-being. In supportive families and partnerships, boundaries are respected and flexible enough to allow closeness and individuality. But when relationships become toxic—whether with a parent or a romantic partner—boundary setting becomes both more challenging and more crucial.

What Makes a Relationship “Toxic”?

A toxic dynamic often involves patterns of control, manipulation, blame-shifting, or disrespect. These relationships may leave you feeling drained, anxious, or guilty.

Toxicity can show up in many ways:

Attachment research (Bowlby, 1969; Ainsworth, 1978) helps us understand why we may tolerate such behaviors—our need for connection can sometimes override our sense of self-protection, especially if insecure attachment patterns were formed in childhood.

Why Boundaries Are Hard to Set in Toxic Relationships

Many people hesitate to set boundaries with parents or partners because of:

Principles of Healthy Boundary Setting

1. Clarify Your Limits
Family systems theory emphasizes the importance of differentiation - the ability to stay connected while also maintaining individuality (Bowen, 1978). Identifying what behaviors cross the line for you is the first step in protecting your well-being.

2. Use Clear, Direct Communication
Healthy communication is essential. Gottman’s research on couples shows that criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling are destructive patterns; boundary setting offers a corrective by focusing on clear requests instead of escalation.

Examples:

3. Follow Through Consistently
A boundary without action is only a wish. Consistency signals self-respect and teaches others how to treat you.

4. Expect Resistance
Brené Brown notes that “daring to set boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves, even when we risk disappointing others.” Resistance often signals that a toxic pattern is being disrupted.

5. Protect Your Emotional Energy
In cases of repeated violation, reducing contact—or even going “low contact” or “no contact”—may be necessary for self-preservation. Codependency research (Beattie, 1987) highlights how breaking cycles of self-sacrifice is vital to recovery and healing.

When the Relationship Is a Parent

Parental boundaries can feel especially complicated. Many adult children experience loyalty binds, believing they must tolerate harmful behavior out of obligation. But healthy parent-child relationships in adulthood should allow autonomy, privacy, and mutual respect.

When the Relationship Is Romantic

In romantic relationships, boundary violations can sometimes escalate into emotional or physical abuse. When partners repeatedly ignore limits, it signals a lack of safety. Research from Emotionally Focused Therapy (Johnson, 2008) shows that secure bonds are built on respect for both closeness and individuality - ignoring boundaries undermines both.

The Role of Therapy

Therapy can provide the safety and guidance to practice boundary setting. Individual therapy, family, or couples therapy may help you:

If you find yourself struggling to maintain healthy boundaries with a parent or partner, you don’t have to do this alone. Therapy offers support and evidence-based strategies to help you protect your peace, reconnect with your values, and create healthier relationships. Your needs matter, and honoring them is not selfish - it’s essential. Interested? Contact kaytie@kkjpsych.com.

Relationship Ambivalence: Torn Between Staying and Leaving

One of the most painful places to be in a relationship is not in love—or out of love—but stuck somewhere in between. Relationship ambivalence is the experience of being deeply uncertain about whether to stay or go. You may find yourself going back and forth daily, even hourly, weighing the positives against the negatives. This state of indecision can be emotionally exhausting, and it often leaves people feeling paralyzed.

Mira Kirshenbaum’s book, Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay, offers a compassionate framework for navigating this dilemma. Rather than pushing for either reconciliation or separation, she invites people to carefully assess the health of their relationship by asking a series of guiding questions. These questions help clarify whether the relationship is fundamentally viable—or whether the struggles point to deeper incompatibilities.

Why Ambivalence Feels So Heavy

Ambivalence in relationships doesn’t necessarily mean failure. Many people experience moments of doubt in long-term partnerships. But when uncertainty becomes chronic, it can erode trust, intimacy, and self-esteem.

Kirshenbaum reminds us that clarity often comes not from endless “pros and cons” lists, but from deeper reflection. Some questions to consider include:

These questions can reveal whether ambivalence is rooted in temporary struggles - or in fundamental misalignment.

How Do You Know When the Relationship Might Be Salvageable?

Whether you feel stuck around ‘superficial’ conflict or disagreements about values, intimacy, or lifestyle, there are many approaches that can help partners break out of painful cycles and rebuild a sense of connection and safety.

These approaches remind us that ambivalence does not always mean the end. Sometimes it signals the need for repair, growth, and deeper understanding.

The Cost of Staying Stuck

Remaining in chronic uncertainty without movement toward clarity or repair takes a toll. Anxiety, sadness, lack of focus, and physical stress are common. Even if not spoken aloud, children often sense the tension. Doing nothing is itself a choice - one that prolongs pain.

Moving Toward Clarity

If you are struggling with whether to stay or leave, there are supportive paths forward:

Ambivalence is painful, but it can also be a turning point.

You don’t have to go through this alone. Whether you choose to work toward repair or make the difficult decision to part, support is available to help you navigate the journey with clarity and compassion. If you find yourself torn between staying and leaving, I invite you to reach out. Together, we can explore your options and help you move from uncertainty to empowerment - toward a future that feels more authentic, connected, and hopeful.

Interested? Contact drkatrina@kkjpsych.com.

Parenting is one of life’s most rewarding experiences—but it’s also one of the hardest. Many parents feel overwhelmed by the emotional, physical, and social demands of raising children. Understanding why parenting is challenging can normalize these struggles and provide strategies to make the journey more manageable (Nomaguchi & Milkie, 2020).

Why Parenting Feels So Hard

1. Constant Responsibility

2. Emotional Intensity

3. Lack of Clear Guidance

4. Identity Shifts

5. Relationship Strains

6. External Pressures and Social Comparisons

7. Limited Support Systems

How to Build Resilience and Hope

Well, that was depressing! Parenting is demanding, but research-backed strategies can help reduce stress and increase coping:

Finding Compassion and Support

Recognizing that parenting is hard is a sign of self-awareness, not failure. Parents who practice self-compassion, realistic expectations, and seek support are more resilient and better able to nurture both themselves and their children (Mikolajczak et al., 2019; Neff & Faso, 2015).

Need some help? Contact kaytie@kkjpsych.com.

References:
Coyne, S. M., Padilla-Walker, L. M., & Howard, E. (2017). Emerging in a digital world: A decade review of media use, effects, and gratifications in emerging adulthood. Emerging Adulthood, 5(5), 440–455.

Crnic, K., & Low, C. (2002). Everyday stresses and parenting. In M. H. Bornstein (Ed.), Handbook of parenting: Vol. 5 Practical issues in parenting (pp. 243–267). Lawrence Erlbaum Associates.

Habib, C. (2012). The transition to fatherhood: A literature review exploring paternal involvement with identity theory. Journal of Family Studies, 18(2-3), 103–120.

Leerkes, E. M., & Burney, R. V. (2007). The development of parenting self‐evaluation: Contributions of adult attachment and maternal beliefs. Infant Mental Health Journal, 28(6), 618–636.

Mikolajczak, M., Gross, J. J., & Roskam, I. (2019). Parental burnout: What is it, and why does it matter? Clinical Psychological Science, 7(6), 1319–1329.

Neff, K. D., & Faso, D. J. (2015). Self-compassion and well-being in parents of children with autism. Mindfulness, 6(4), 938–947.

Nomaguchi, K., & Milkie, M. A. (2020). Parenthood and well-being: A decade in review. Journal of Marriage and Family, 82(1), 198–223.

Sacks, A. (2017). The birth of a mother. The New York Times.

Shapiro, A. F., Gottman, J. M., & Carrère, S. (2000). The baby and the marriage: Identifying factors that buffer against decline in marital satisfaction after the first baby arrives. Journal of Family Psychology, 14(1), 59–70.

Do you want to schedule an appointment?
Schedule an appointment today with The Purpose Center! Email kaytie@kkjpsych.com or call 919-493-1975.

Couples Counseling:
A prominent reason that couples will go to therapy is to work on and improve their communication skills. Communication is the foundation of all relationships so when a couple is struggling to effectively communicate, it is beneficial to get professional help.

Similarly, couples may seek counseling to navigate new life problems. Life doesn’t always go as planned, and when stressors are added into a couple’s life, it may be difficult to manage. In therapy, couples learn ways to adapt to new changes and how to build skills to handle road bumps.

Another important, although uncomfortable, reason couples may find themselves in counseling is to deal with infidelity. If a couple is willing and able to have this difficult conversation, it’s possible to move forward and process what has happened together.

Lastly, some couples will find themselves in counseling in order to discuss what their relationship will look like moving forward. Maybe they have already decided to split ways but seek counseling to learn how to do so in a respectful way that honors both of them.

Family Counseling:
There are different reasons why families will seek out counseling. Some reasons include to improve communication skills, process traumatic events and life adjustments, as well as for court related reasons or divorce.

The most important things that are worked on in family therapy are the relationships among the members within the family. When things change in life, it can alter the way family members view and engage with each other. Counseling is all about establishing a “new and healthy normal” within a family. In family therapy, family members are given the space to process what has happened to them with a mediator.

Through family counseling, members are given skills and tools to better their relationship outside of therapy. Family counseling allows everyone’s perspective to be heard and expressed. People go to family counseling for various reasons, all of which are valid. It's important to remember that you are not alone when struggling within your family and that there are professionals trained to help you through these difficult moments.

Are you ready to take your first step into therapy? 
Schedule an appointment today with The Purpose Center!
Email kaytie@kkjpsych.com or call 919-493-1975.

Are you ready to take your first step into therapy? 
Schedule an appointment today with The Purpose Center!
Email kaytie@kkjpsych.com or call 919-493-1975.

Financial disagreements are a common source of tension in relationships. Money matters can touch on deeply held beliefs, values, and priorities, making them particularly sensitive topics for couples to navigate. However, with effective communication and collaboration, couples can find common ground and strengthen their relationship while managing their finances. In this post, we'll explore strategies for working through financial disagreements and offer insights into the role of financial advisors and discernment in this process.

Understanding the Root Causes
Before diving into solutions, it's crucial to understand the underlying reasons behind financial disagreements. These may include differences in upbringing, attitudes towards money, spending habits, and financial goals. Recognizing and acknowledging these differences is the first step towards finding resolution. Exploring your own Money Story can be an integral part of this process and a good starting point for your own understanding.

Open Communication
Effective communication is key to resolving any disagreement, including those related to finances. And your partner should encourage open and honest dialogue where both partners feel heard and respected. Set aside dedicated time to discuss financial matters and approach the conversation with empathy and understanding. You might consider making money dates, both with yourself and with your partner, so you are intentional about your financial health.

Active Listening
Listening is equally as important as speaking in any discussion. Practice active listening by giving your partner your full attention, refraining from interrupting, and validating their perspective. Seek to understand their concerns and motivations without judgment, don’t just think about your argument or rebuttal for why you spent or want to spend (or don’t).

Compromise and Collaboration
Financial disagreements often arise when couples have conflicting priorities or goals. Finding a middle ground may require compromise and collaboration. Explore creative solutions that address both partners' needs and aspirations. Consider setting shared financial goals and developing a plan together to achieve them. And it’s important to be clear about your values so you and your partner can be clear about the underlying reasons for your financial goals.

Seeking Professional Guidance
A significant proportion of Americans who have gone through a divorce attribute their separation to credit card debt and hidden financial activities. In some cases, couples may find themselves at an impasse regarding their financial disagreements. Sometimes, couples may benefit from the expertise of a financial advisor, or a mental health therapist, or both. A qualified professional can provide objective insights, help mediate discussions, and offer personalized strategies tailored to the couple's unique situation. They can also facilitate discussions around financial goals and assist in creating a roadmap for achieving them. If a couple determines to separate, they can still benefit from the neutral support of a financial or divorce specialist to navigate making hard decisions when developing a separation agreement.

How We Can Help
Financial disagreements are a natural part of any relationship, but they don't have to be destructive. By fostering open communication, practicing active listening, and working together towards shared goals, couples can overcome financial disagreements and strengthen their bond. Our therapists can work with individuals and couples to provide valuable support and guidance along the way. We regularly work with financial advisors as well. If you are on the fence about staying in your relationship, we can also offer Discernment Counseling. Remember, navigating financial disagreements is a journey, and with patience, understanding, and mutual respect, couples can find harmony and stability in their financial lives.

Interested in some extra support?
Contact drkatrina@kkjpsych.com.

Criticism: Excessively attacking your partner’s character.

The first of the horsemen consists of criticizing your partner in a way that reduces who they are in a manner that is pervasive, unhelpful, and attacking. Constantly criticizing your partner can lead to contempt and resentment towards your partner, making the relationship more likely to end.

Some criticism examples:

“You’re so selfish! All you do is think about yourself, your video games, and your stupid friends.”

“You never know when to shut up and you turn everything into an argument.”

Criticisms are different from complaints. Here is an example of a complaint: “I wish you’d spend more time with me. Sometimes I feel like I’m not as important to you as your games or your friends, and I’d like that to change.” The important thing to note when speaking to your partner is to avoid speaking in a way in which you are attacking them, instead tell them your opinion in a non-attacking and helpful way.

Defensiveness: Being overly focused on self-protection, which can lead to victimization.

People are bound to have defensive moments in conversations with their partner at times. It’s important to make sure when responding to a criticism that you aren’t jumping to conclusions and victimizing yourself. When you are overly defensive towards your partner, it reinforces the idea that you’re not willing to take responsibility for your mistakes.

An example of defensiveness:

“Of course, I didn’t have time to get groceries! I’m busy working and taking care of everything so you can just sit there and enjoy yourself. You know what- you should’ve just bought the groceries!”

Contempt: Being snide to your partner.

The horseman of contempt is seen when you are actively hurting your partner and treating them as if they are inferior to you. Examples include mimicking your partner, being sarcastic, ridiculing, name-calling, and mocking your partner. Contempt is truly being mean to your partner and acting in a childish way to make you seem superior to them.

Stonewalling: “Cold shouldering” the other.

This horseman is a refusal to communicate or cooperate with your partner and is usually passive aggressive. Stonewalling does not solve anything and rather attempts to push problems away instead of effectively talking things out. Instead of giving your partner the silent treatment, it’s important to give each other some time, maybe 20 minutes, to cool down and then return to the conversation in a calm state.

In conclusion, to make sure your relationship will last, note the communication styles used between you and your partner. Make sure you are speaking in a way that is effective, non-attacking, and respectful. If you see one of the four horsemen sticking its head into your communication styles, address it and correct it, because if it continues, your relationship, according to Dr. Gottman, is likely to end. 

Interested in learning more?
Check out this upcoming workshop
Homemade Happiness: A Recipe for Relationship Success

What are the Five Love Languages?

It is important to know and understand your own love language as well as your partner’s. Expressing the right love language helps strengthen one’s relationship, and helps both partners feel loved, appreciated, and respected. It shows your partner you are speaking to their heart. It will help improve communication and aid in building a fulfilling, happy relationship, which only leads to deeper love.

Interested in cultivating a better relationship?
Check out this upcoming workshop
Homemade Happiness: A Recipe for Relationship Success

But what do we do when these “pleasantries” become the norm in our household? How can we re-stimulate conversation so we can have intentional interactions with our children? The answer is simple- we must dig deeper. As a therapist, one of my favorite questions is “What does that mean?” The reason I like this question so much is because it forces people to think past pleasantries and consider what “good” means to them. If you really think about it, “good” looks different to everyone. For some people, “good” can mean, “I’m two seconds away from a breakdown.” For others, it can mean, “I managed to avoid the person who bullies me today.” It can mean, “I had an incredible day and have amazing news.” And sometimes, it can literally just mean, “I had a good day today.” You’ll be surprised how much more children will share when they are given a genuine invitation.

The most important role you as the parent or caregiver can play in this exchange is that of the listener. If you open the door for your child to go past “good,” then you need to be able to hold space for them as they answer. Give them your undivided attention and ask follow up questions. Put down your phone, step away from the computer, and show them you’re interested in what they have to share. Respect any boundaries they put in place in terms of how much they would like to share with you. Offer minimal encouragers by nodding and maintaining comfortable eye contact. Lastly, remember the things they say so you can check in and ask for updates later.

Most of this may seem like a no-brainer; however, it is so easy to get caught up in our day-to-day life that we forget the importance of simple, engaging conversation.

If you’d like more support around getting past “good” in a way that feels authentic to you, don’t hesitate to connect with us at The Purpose Center! We’re here to help! You can reach me at mackenzie@kkjpsych.com.

By Dr. Julianne Ludlam
This is the second article in a series of three.
Part 1 | Part 2 (here) | Part 3 (coming)

Parental alienation is a controversial concept in mental health and legal fields, despite its continued use in high-conflict family-court disputes. New research and several alternative terms have now been applied to cases of children who resist contact with a parent, and these cases continue to be challenging for courts, clinicians, and attorneys.

This series of articles describes the current research on parental alienation (PA) and parent-child contact problems. The first installment described the overlapping terms and concepts related to PA, such as gatekeeping and parental alienating behaviors (PABs), as well as some of the models used to assess and describe the problem. This second article describes some of the major conceptual and practical issues surrounding alienation, based on recent reviews of the literature. The third will discuss interventions and offer recommendations for attorneys and evaluators involved in such cases.

Current Issues

The Utility of PA as a Concept
Due to the lack of consensus around definition, etiology, and prevalence, many researchers have reported concerns about the continuing use of the concept of PA, particularly in court proceedings (Fidler & Bala, 2020). There are no valid empirical assessment protocols or tools that can reliably measure or establish the presence of alienation nor distinguish it from other types of parent-child problems, such as estrangement or justified rejection (Fidler & Bala, 2020).

For this reason, some researchers have suggested alternative terms, such as parent-child contact problems (PCCPs) and resist-refuse dynamics (Fidler & Bala, 2020). However, others have argued that changing the terms does not resolve the issue, as PA concepts may still be applied loosely and without standards (Johnston & Sullivan, 2020). Fidler and Bala (2020) noted that most professionals involved in these cases are dedicated to the best outcomes for children and families and agree that the goal is to determine if rejection of a parent is justified (realistic estrangement) or unjustified (alienation). Disagreement arises around the utility of the concept of PA. However, there is general agreement that there are different types of PCCPs with multiple contributing factors, and that resisting or rejecting a parent may occur for either justifiable or unjustifiable reasons.

Single Factor vs. Multifactor Models
Theories developed to explain PA have been expanded from a single-factor model to a multifactorial predictive model, but beliefs and assumptions based on the single-factor model persist. Johnston and Sullivan (2020) explained that the single-factor model – that the alienating parent is primarily the source of a child’s rejection of a parent – continues to be widely believed despite the actual complexity of the problem. A single-factor model assumes a child is either a victim of abuse or a victim of PA, precluding the possibility of both. It also assumes that any alienation present must be the fault of the favored parent, and that the alienated parent is without parenting deficits if no abuse is found (Johnston & Sullivan 2020).

In contrast, the multifactorial model (initially developed by Kelly & Johnston in 2001) is based on substantial social science research and considers an array of factors that can create an alliance with one parent over another (Deutsch, Drozd, & Ajoku, 2020; Johnston & Sullivan, 2020; Fidler & Bala, 2020). Resistance to contact with a parent may involve, for example, a history of inadequate parenting by the alienated parent, an overanxious and protective favored parent, and/or a child’s discomfort with the custody schedule (Johnston & Sullivan, 2020).

In the multifactorial model, parental alienating behaviors (PABs) are viewed as one factor that may account for a child’s resistance or refusal of contact; many other factors, such as developmental or attachment issues, divorce and step-family transition issues, a previous absence of an alienated parent, problematic parenting by either or both parents, third-party influences, chronic litigation, a history of marital conflict, and psychological disorders in a parent are possible. Fidler and Bala (2020) stated that although some cases of PCCPs may be due to one parent, both parents often bear some responsibility, and “focusing on a single cause is rarely helpful” (p. 576). They listed eight broad contributing factors to PCCPs:

Reunification in Cases of PCCPs and Abuse
Another issue related to cases of PA, PCCPs, and gatekeeping involves the goal of family reunification or of maintaining contact with both parents, even in situations involving abuse or IPV. Several authors noted there is substantial research to support the idea that children benefit from good relationships with both parents when no safety issues are present, and the law generally follows that presumption (Austin, Fieldstone, & Pruett, 2013; Fidler & Bala, 2020). Some researchers suggest it may still be in a child’s best interest to repair and maintain a relationship with a rejected parent even in cases of abuse, neglect, or poor parenting, and “even when the child has good reasons to be fearful or feel stressed, uncomfortable, hurt or angry with a parent,” as long as safety issues are no longer present (Fidler & Bala, 2020, p. 590; Deutsch et al., 2020). Fidler and Bala (2020) stated:

Developmental research and legal policy in child protection, as well as in custody and access contexts, support children having healthy and safe relationships with both parents; this applies to children who may have been abused and those who may have been alienated (p. 585).

Deutsch and colleagues (2020) agreed that reunification with a resisted parent may be in a child’s best interest even with confirmation of abuse but stated that each case should be evaluated individually to determine the best approach. Both reviews warned that some children who experience abuse do not resist an abusive parent and may seek out contact with that parent. Both also agreed that there are cases in which a relationship between a parent and child should not be supported, such as when safety risks continue despite interventions or when children who have experienced abuse are resisting the parent who abused them (Fidler & Bala, 2020; Deutsch et al., 2020).

Conclusions: Current Issues Related to Parental Alienation
The concept of PA is heavily criticized in the research due to problems with clarity, validity, and reliable measurement. Less ambiguous alternatives, such as parent-child contact problems (PCCPs) or resist-refuse dynamics, have been suggested. PCCPs are now believed to have multiple contributing factors, and resisting or rejecting a parent can be considered either justifiable or unjustifiable. Current issues involve cases of both PCCPs and child abuse. Despite significant research indicating that a child’s rejection of a parent is likely complex and multifactorial, family courts may tend to frame such problems simplistically, as either abuse or alienation. Finally, although research generally supports reunification with resisted or even formerly abusive parents, there are cases in which such relationships should not be supported.

Coming Next

The third article in this series will describe interventions for PCCPs and offer recommendations for attorneys and evaluators.

Want to talk to someone about this? 

Contact Dr. Ludlam: drjulianne@kkjpsych.com or call 919-493-1975.

References
Austin, W. G.  (2018).  Parental gatekeeping and child custody evaluation: Part III: Protective gatekeeping and the overnights “conundrum.”  Journal of Divorce and Remarriage, 59(5), 429-451. 

Austin, W. G., Fieldstone, L., & Pruett, M. K.  (2013).  Bench book for assessing parental gatekeeping in parenting disputes: Understanding the dynamics of gate closing and opening for the best interests of children.  Journal of Child Custody, 10, 1-16. 

Deutsch, R., Drozd, L., & Ajoku, C.  (2020).  Trauma-informed interventions in parent-child contact cases.  Family Court Review, 58(2), 470-487. 

Drozd, L., Saini, M., Walters, M. Fidler, B., & Deutsch R. M. (2020). Changes in Resist-Refuse Dynamics Checklist (CRDC).

Fidler, B. J., & Bala, N.  (2020).  Concepts, controversies and conundrums of “alienation:” Lessons learned in a decade and reflections on challenges ahead.  Family Court Review, 58(2), 576-603. 

Johnston, J. R., & Sullivan, M. J.  (2020).  Parental alienation: In search of common ground for a more differentiated theory.  Family Court Review, 58(2), 270-292. 

Saini, M. A., Drozd, L. M., & Olesen, N. W.  (2017).  Adaptive and maladaptive gatekeeping behaviors and attitudes: Implications for child outcomes after separation and divorce.  Family Court Review, 55(2), 260-272.