8 Tips For Diffusing Anger In Others

Dr. Katrina Kuzyszyn-Jones — Thu, 11 Jul 2019 21:13:17 +0000

In a previous article, we discussed 10 tips for managing anger within yourself. In this article, we're going to discuss several tips you can use to diffuse anger in others.

We all deal with angry people at various times in life, from an angry customer to an angry colleague to an angry spouse or family member. And, if you don't know how to respond, it's easy to make the situation worse.

It's an incredibly important skill to develop. First, you can prevent a harmful incident. Second, if you can get through another's anger, it's possible to solve underlying problems and potentially build better relationships. Third, by learning to diffuse anger rather than trying to come over the top of it, you're breaking the "escalation cycle" that can cause a lot of harm (physically and/or emotionally) to you and others. And, don't overlook that you're potentially setting a new, positive example to those around you.

Also, note that there are different types of anger, from passive-aggressive anger to withdrawing to all out rage. In this article, we'll be dealing mostly with how to deal with aggressive and possibly threatening behavior.

**And, if you're in the Durham (or the greater Triangle area of NC), keep in mind that at KKJ we offer counseling and coaching for anger management. Please reach out and we'll be happy to help.

Priority One: Stay Safe
In any situation where you think you might be in any kind of danger, trust your instincts and leave the situation immediately. Summon help if possible. Yes, this article is about "diffusing" anger, but in some cases it's not possible and you need to focus first on keeping yourself out of harm's way.
Check In With Yourself And Your Own Emotions
Responding to an angry person with a calm demeanor is easier said than done, of course, but it's essential to avoid an escalation of the situation. If you respond to an angry person with anger, the results can often be explosive. Instead, keeping your cool shows the other person you are not a threat to them and you aren't looking for any trouble.
Show Empathy
Let them know you care about them and about their feelings. Even if you don't totally agree with the reason for the anger, in the heat of the moment, let them know you understand why they might be angry. We all want our feelings validated, and showing empathy can have a major calming effect.
Show Respect
Along with empathy, if you can show the other person that you respect them and their feelings, it can make a huge difference in cooling things off. After all, one of the main reasons people get angry is to try to change the behavior of someone else. If they feel respected, that's not as likely.
Allow Them To Vent
When someone is angry, it triggers their fight or flight response. This means a person's system stops thinking completely rationally and they tend to be more reactionary. This isn't the time to work things out or get to the root of the issue. You want to encourage them to get their feelings "out", but not in a violent or insulting way. One way to do this is by using effective questioning techniques, below...
Use Effective Questioning Techniques
Try to get the other person to explain why they're angry by encouraging them to explain how they feel. Don't interrupt or give your opinion. Just keep asking questions and digging deeper into the issue. Also, try to use active listening techniques as well. In other words, you would respond with "so, I understand you feel angry about X and Y, is that right?" Keep doing that, with a calm voice, until they've calmed down.
Determine If You Played A Role And Take Responsibility
Once a person has calmed down, which can often take 20 or more minutes after the outburst, it might be possible to turn the anger into a positive by getting to the root of the underlying issue. If you played a role or are somehow responsible, try to calmly take responsibility and apologize for your role. With that said, while you may have played a role, that doesn't always justify an angry response and it's possible to take responsibility for your role while also (calmly) communicating that you didn't appreciate the response.
Is The Problem Habitual?
If you are dealing with a partner, family member, or colleague who has a habitual anger problem, you may want to communicate the ways in which it's affecting you and then suggest that they seek out professional help.

More Information On Dealing With Anger Issues:
If you're in the Durham (or Chapel Hill, RTP, Raleigh) area and would like to learn more about how we can help you, we invite you to call or setup an appointment by contacting our office.

10 Tips For Dealing With Your Anger Productively

Dr. Katrina Kuzyszyn-Jones — Fri, 28 Jun 2019 21:39:06 +0000

In this article I want to give you some tips for dealing with anger in a healthy and productive manner. That's an important point, actually. Anger is not a "bad" emotion. In fact, it can help you make a change in your life, help you solve a problem, and even help you stand up for something you believe in.

So, there's nothing "wrong" with being angry. What matters is that you learn to cope with and express your anger in healthy and productive ways and not in ways that bring undesirable consequences.

**And, if you're in the Durham (or the greater Triangle area of NC), keep in mind that at KKJ we offer counseling and coaching for anger management. Please reach out and we'll be happy to help.

Do An Honest Assessment Of Your Anger
Deciding to take control of your anger, rather than having it control you, is a key first step. That requires some self awareness. Ask yourself how you have been reacting when you get mad. Do you retreat and hold it in? Do you yell, scream, and say hurtful things? Do you throw things, break things, or punch walls? Do you get violent toward others? Do you hurt yourself?
Work On Self-Awareness In The Moment
Anger is a powerful emotion, and managing it can be a challenge. That's where self-awareness comes in. It's the ability to notice what you're thinking and feeling and to then understand why that is. Start by trying to notice what you're angry about and why. Before reacting to your anger, take a beat and try to put your feelings into words. This seems elementary, but in the heat of the moment, it's a skill that takes time and patience to develop.
Consider Your Choices And Consider The Consequences
This is an off-shoot of being self-aware. Rather than just reacting, try to think about several reaction options. In fact, try to list at least three. From there, try to consider the consequences of each reaction.
Have A "Fire Drill" Plan When Anger Is Intense
Sometimes anger is so powerful that it's very hard to have self-awareness and self-control in the moment. If that tends to be the case for you, consider having a plan in place for the next time you get angry. It's similar to when you were a kid in school. You practiced a fire drill so you wouldn't have to think about what to do if the school actually caught fire. In this situation, plan what you'll do when you feel the anger boiling up. Maybe it's taking a 5 minute walk. Maybe it's counting to 100. Maybe it's leaving the situation and taking a day to decide how to respond.
Try To Recognize The Warning Signs
Try to think about past times your anger got the best of you. Were there any clues it was building? Did you have physical cues like a pounding heart, sweating, or teeth grinding? Did you start to get snappy or defensive? Did you get a "flash" of a bad mood? Were you overly critcal of yourself or someone else? If you can learn to recognize these symptoms ahead of time, it can make a world of difference in how you react.
Learn a Breathing Technique
Deep breathing is one of the quickest and most effective ways to reduce the intensity of your anger. It can be as simple as taking slow breaths for 1-2 minutes and repeating a phrase like "relax" or "let it go" to a mediation routine.
Move Your Body
Exercise is an incredible way to let off steam. It could be low-impact, like walking around the block or it could be high intensity, like running or lifting weights. Also, it can be helpful to get anger out in a healthy way by doing a boxing class, dancing, or something similar.
Reach Out For Help
Talking to someone you trust about how you're feeling is a very effective way to release some of the energy as well. It could be a trusted friend or family member or if could be a trained professional. And certainly, if your anger seems out of control, it's very important to seek the help of a professional.
Work To Find A Solution
One of the hidden beauties of anger is that it can help improve your life. But, that's only the case if you use it as a catalyst for positive change. For example, instead of focusing on what make you mad, try to focus on resolving the underlying issue. Additionally, if a solution is not possible, perhaps your anger is telling to you make a major change to fix an unacceptable situation.
Practice Forgiveness
Try not to hold a grudge. Forgiveness can be a very powerful tool. If you allow anger and other negative feelings to crowd out positive feelings, your quality of life will certainly suffer. But if you can forgive someone who angered you, you might both learn from the situation and it might even strengthen the relationship.

More Information On Dealing With Anger More Productively:
If you're in the Durham (or Chapel Hill, RTP, Raleigh) area and would like to learn more about how we can help you, we invite you to call or setup an appointment by contacting our office.

anger management – KKJ Forensic & Psychological Services

8 Tips For Diffusing Anger In Others

10 Tips For Dealing With Your Anger Productively