Relationship Ambivalence: Torn Between Staying and Leaving
One of the most painful places to be in a relationship is not in love—or out of love—but stuck somewhere in between. Relationship ambivalence is the experience of being deeply uncertain about whether to stay or go. You may find yourself going back and forth daily, even hourly, weighing the positives against the negatives. This state of indecision can be emotionally exhausting, and it often leaves people feeling paralyzed.
Mira Kirshenbaum’s book, Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay, offers a compassionate framework for navigating this dilemma. Rather than pushing for either reconciliation or separation, she invites people to carefully assess the health of their relationship by asking a series of guiding questions. These questions help clarify whether the relationship is fundamentally viable—or whether the struggles point to deeper incompatibilities.
Why Ambivalence Feels So Heavy
Ambivalence in relationships doesn’t necessarily mean failure. Many people experience moments of doubt in long-term partnerships. But when uncertainty becomes chronic, it can erode trust, intimacy, and self-esteem.
Kirshenbaum reminds us that clarity often comes not from endless “pros and cons” lists, but from deeper reflection. Some questions to consider include:
These questions can reveal whether ambivalence is rooted in temporary struggles - or in fundamental misalignment.
How Do You Know When the Relationship Might Be Salvageable?
Whether you feel stuck around ‘superficial’ conflict or disagreements about values, intimacy, or lifestyle, there are many approaches that can help partners break out of painful cycles and rebuild a sense of connection and safety.
These approaches remind us that ambivalence does not always mean the end. Sometimes it signals the need for repair, growth, and deeper understanding.
The Cost of Staying Stuck
Remaining in chronic uncertainty without movement toward clarity or repair takes a toll. Anxiety, sadness, lack of focus, and physical stress are common. Even if not spoken aloud, children often sense the tension. Doing nothing is itself a choice - one that prolongs pain.
Moving Toward Clarity
If you are struggling with whether to stay or leave, there are supportive paths forward:
Ambivalence is painful, but it can also be a turning point.
You don’t have to go through this alone. Whether you choose to work toward repair or make the difficult decision to part, support is available to help you navigate the journey with clarity and compassion. If you find yourself torn between staying and leaving, I invite you to reach out. Together, we can explore your options and help you move from uncertainty to empowerment - toward a future that feels more authentic, connected, and hopeful.
Interested? Contact drkatrina@kkjpsych.com.