Managing School Refusal by Mackenzie Howard, LCMHCA
It’s heartbreaking and stressful when your child resists going to school. Maybe they dread mornings, say they feel sick, or seem engulfed by worry. You want to help - but often feel stuck, frustrated, maybe even helpless. You are not alone. There’s a team of people who are ready and willing to support you and your family!
School refusal is more common than people think, and there are multiple ways forward.
What Is School Refusal & Why It Happens
School refusal (or school avoidance) isn’t simply “being stubborn” or “acting out.” According to the American Academy of Family Physicians, often it’s driven by underlying anxiety, fears (social, separation, bullying), sensory overload, learning difficulties, or other emotional or physical discomforts. It can be difficult to pinpoint the exact cause, but what is easy to see is the impact it has on your child, and the strain it can cause in your home.
So, what can I do?
1. Listen to understand. Talk to your child coming from a place of curiosity rather than accusation. Be mindful of inadvertently invalidating their experience by saying things like, “You don’t have anything to be worried about” “You’ve always loved going to school” “You don’t have anything to complain about.” Don’t assume you know the answer or try to fill in the blanks on your own- give them space to share their experience without feeling ashamed. Try asking, “What feels hardest about school right now?” “How do you feel when you’re going to bed the night before school?” “What thoughts are you having while you’re at school?”
2. Create clear expectations and consistency. Kids crave predictability and stability because that equals safety and decreases the likelihood of anxiety. Sometimes parents- in an effort to accommodate- say “Would you like to go to school today?” presenting it as an option. This leads to a power struggle because the child feels they have a choice. Rather saying, “I understand school feels difficult for you right now, and we are going to work together to get you to school today.” You can be both compassionate and assertive.
3. Seek support from mental health professionals, your pediatrician, and- most importantly- the school! There are so many people who can help you and your family during this time, so you don’t have to try and navigate this on your own. Reach out to us at The Purpose Center if you’re struggling with school refusal in your home- we’re here to help!
4. Show yourself some grace! You are NOT failing by asking for support.
Recognizing that parenting is hard is a sign of self-awareness, not failure. Parents who practice self-compassion, realistic expectations, and seek support are more resilient and better able to nurture both themselves and their children (Mikolajczak et al., 2019; Neff & Faso, 2015).
Interested in some extra support? Contact kaytie@kkjpsych.com.
References:
School Refusal in Children and Adolescents | AAFP
4 Strategies When Your Child Refuses to Go to School | Anxiety and Depression Association of America, ADAA