So, you’re a perfectionist? What’s the big deal?
Perfectionism is the practice of demanding a higher performance quality from oneself or others than is required by the situation. This can be highly adaptable in some situations, i.e. work, athletics, and academic pursuits (no one wants their surgeon to be a slacker). When healthy, it can be self-motivating and lead to personal success. While perfectionism can drive individuals to succeed and achieve exceptional results, it comes at a significant cost in the workplace and in personal relationships. In relationships, perfectionism can create unrealistic expectations and a need for control, leading to tension, resentment, and toxicity. In the professional environment, patterns of preparing, procrastinating, and micromanaging can lead to inefficiency and hinder creativity and performance on an individual and team level. To colleagues, parents, children, or partners, striving for perfection can feel highly controlling, exhausting, and sometimes even alienating.
Perfectionism in the workplace can manifest in many ways, and it may impair both an individual and their team. On an individual level, signs of perfectionism include over-preparation and spending excessive time double-checking work to ensure it is flawless. People might even procrastinate in the workplace to delay the start or completion of tasks they fear will not meet their high standards. Another sign of perfectionism is paying excessive attention to detail and getting sidetracked from the broader picture. People who struggle with perfectionism in the workplace are usually very self-critical and have a strong fear of failure, leading to stress and burnout, which can result in underperformance. On a team level, when these individuals are in charge, they may micromanage their team, thereby hindering the group’s creativity and autonomy. Often, creative ideas come from messy processes, such as brainstorming, and taking risks, and these require the freedom to make mistakes, which does not align well with a perfectionistic approach. Individuals may condemn their teammates when they make mistakes, increasing tension and anxiety within the group.
Perfectionism can significantly impact relationships, leading to tension and dissatisfaction. Whether in a romantic relationship or just a friendship, an individual with a high degree of perfectionism will usually set unrealistic expectations of the other, leading to disappointment. Those with perfectionistic tendencies may be overly critical of their partner, focusing on their flaws rather than what they do well. They often show signs of a need for control, characterized by controlling all aspects of their relationship, ensuring that everything, including their partner's behavior, is perfect. This control leads to an inability to accept their partner’s mistakes and a tendency to stay fixated on past mistakes, leading to toxicity and resentment. Often, in these relationships the partners will hesitate to communicate openly and honestly with each other, avoiding conflicts or difficult conversations that are essential to a healthy relationship. These factors can lead to resentment, a lack of intimacy, frustration, and reduced enjoyment within the relationship over time.
Having a perfectionistic partner can be exhausting. While some benefits may come from having a perfectionistic partner — as their attention to detail can result in a well-organized household or a successful relationship — there are also many negative aspects. Partners tend to feel underappreciated in these relationships. When standards are set extremely high and constant criticism is given, partners feel undervalued, and may think that nothing they ever do in the relationship is good enough. This feeling can seep into other parts of their lives, affecting their confidence and happiness. Partners might also feel increased levels of stress around their partner, constantly feeling on edge about not meeting the high standards that are set. They may always feel worried about making mistakes or falling short of what their partner expects of them.
Perfectionism in parents often creates challenges and pressures for their children that negatively impact their children’s development, and it can sometimes cause long-term problems. While parents should want the best for their children and encourage them to try their best in whatever they do, some parents carry this too far. Perfectionistic parents often exert a great deal of pressure, and set extreme, unrealistic standards for their children, pushing them to be the best in academics, sports, or other extracurricular activities. Due to unrealistic expectations, the child often experiences stress, anxiety, and an extreme sense of failure, when their parent’s expectations are not met. Sometimes perfectionistic parents even become angry and aggressive towards their children, which can lead to even more stress for the child and can severely damage the parent-child relationship. Some perfectionistic parents teach their children not to show emotions — especially sadness and anger — and may communicate that emotions are inherently wrong. Not showing or avoiding emotions can lead individuals to be less aware of their feelings and less able to manage difficult feelings, which can lead to psychological or behavioral issues in the future. Finally, perfectionistic parents may set an endless number of rules for their children about what is right and wrong for their children. For the child, this can be exhausting – they may feel controlled and as though they are continuously walking on eggshells, with a fear of punishment if they do one small thing wrong.
Recognizing the signs of perfectionism and working towards a healthy balance is the best approach to mitigate its negative impacts. Moderate perfectionism in the workplace is associated with better organizational skills, higher levels of self-motivation, and better use of functional coping strategies. In a relationship, rather than overperforming and controlling, one can be a good executive director for the partnership, and a highly functioning parent. However, the impacts of perfectionism reach far beyond the individual, affecting everyone around them. Whether it be a co-worker, boss, parent or partner, placing excessively high demands on ourselves and others can have deleterious effects. By understanding the effects of perfectionism, we can begin to foster more balanced relationships, and to embrace flaws, as perfection is not reality.
Special thanks to our previous intern, Nick Hall, for putting this information together for us.
Are you, or someone you know. struggling with perfectionism? Contact us for help.